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| Toby on his first day at our home |
It has been several months since we said our final goodbyes to our beloved Pomeranian Toby. A day doesn’t go by when we don’t think about him. Sometimes it’s the sad moments we remember several months prior to his passing when we noticed he was getting more lethargic and visibly not enjoying life, and sometimes it’s the cute or funny moments we remember when he made us laugh and cry at the same time.
Few days right after his passing, I woke up in the middle of the night thinking he had to go potty. I thought I heard his trademark spinning and making loud footsteps on the bed to wake us up, but I must’ve been dreaming…
There was another time when my wife thought she heard his prancing footsteps walking into our room, looking at us for directions as to what the pack’s schedule for that day would be, but again, she must’ve heard it in her dream…
There are so many moments like these when we hear, or more correctly, want to hear his unique sounds, that’s been ingrained in us since we brought him to our home, all those years ago. There was his loud bark when he wants his treats and we’re teasing him, or the hurried sound his footsteps make when one of us is walking into the kitchen to open the refrigerator.
We also long for his guttural bark/roar when we ask him to do ‘High Five’, which we affectionately called ‘Monster Five’, thanks to his scary monster-like sound he makes, demanding his reward for doing the ‘High Five’.
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| Toby with his best friend Luna |
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| Toby on his first day sleeping |
Since that cold and miserable day when we said our goodbyes, each day has proven to be a cure for easing the pain of our loss. My wife, clearly the more emotionally attached member of our pack to our baby, still gets overly emotional on certain days, but she is doing much better.
I constantly remind her and commend her that she’s doing better and better, as each day passes. Every day that goes by, is slowly but surely, making things easier to live our lives without Toby.
Sure there are many times when we wish he’s with us, giving us that all-forgiving puppy brown eyes when he wants something, or utilizing his cute mannerisms to win over our hearts. We wished he was with us when we left for our month long trip to the Adirondacks in upstate New York for the month of April, with him dutifully putting up with the long drive to get to our destination.
Toby would’ve loved the rental at Tupper Lake, with its beautiful park right in front of the place for him to enjoy. He would’ve loved walking the park, getting himself acclimated, and loving the views of the lake and the mountains.
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| Toby when he was just 7 months old |
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| We affectionately called him the ‘bandit’ for his black muzzle |
During April, which was our first month long trip without Toby by our side, we often times wondered what and how it would’ve been, had he been with us. We wondered how he would’ve liked Mt. Jo, and how he would’ve loved places like Lake Placid and Mt. Arab.
Sleeping without Toby is perhaps the strangest thing, as he has slept on our beds all these years. We miss him scratching the bed, then slowly spinning around several times to make himself ready for bed. We loved that he could just go directly to sleep, as if turning off a light switch. We always wished that for us, mere humans!
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| Toby loved his toys! |
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| My favorite picture with Toby, looking out the window together! |
Every time we run into other dogs after his passing, it brings back so many memories of him as we pet those dogs. Whereas before, I would enjoy meeting other dogs, but not always pet them, since Toby’s passing, I end up petting other dogs more often than not…
Toby would’ve barked at other dogs from a distance, only to cower, then hide behind me, when he realizes the dogs are usually bigger than him. We always got a kick out of that. It’s these little moments that remind us of him…
Toby has been instrumental in making me more open to meeting other canines, as well as humans. Having Toby walk next to us, with his cute open-mouthed smile and his prancing walk, always made it easy for others to approach us (and us to them), and was a great ice breaker when meeting new people.
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| Toby at Swan Lake Iris Gardens, SC |
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| Toby in August 2021, PA |
As day became weeks then months, as surely as the rising of the sun and the setting of the sun, I am more aware of his various contributions to our pack. He had a knack for making us smile and laugh, and he had a knack for making our lives more fun as we ventured out on new adventures.
Toby has also been one of the primary factors for our early retirement, as he grounded us for the past 15 years. Had we not had Toby, we would’ve done so many overnight trips all over the place, easily spending hundreds, or even thousands of dollars on those trips.
By making us stay home, we ended up saving money, which went to our retirement accounts. By making us stay home, we ended up visiting the great outdoors, to local/state/national parks. Toby really opened our eyes to the wonders of the outdoors, to really enjoy hikes, walks, and just hanging out together immersed in nature.
For that we will always be grateful and we will always remember that we got to spend our 15 wonderful years together as a pack…
In this post, I’d like to share my thoughts and observations on how we’re coping with the loss of our fiercely loyal, always making us laugh and smile, Pomeranian dog Toby.
- Playing more board games and card games
Thanks to our friendly neighbors upstairs during our stay in Murrells Inlet (South Carolina), who got us hooked on playing board games like RummiKub and card games like Golf, we’re playing more games than ever before.
We had our weekly sessions (sometimes twice per week) playing these games for hours, enjoying good laughs, good company, and good snacks (shrimp cocktail (!), veggie straws) during our 3 months long stay at Murrells Inlet. Our ‘foster parents’, who we affectionately call our friendly neighbors from upstairs, bought RummiKub game as present before we left South Carolina. (Thank you!)
We’ve been playing the game with my dad at least once a day, and sometimes twice a day. My dad is totally hooked as are we. We are having such a good time together.
Playing the games and having a good time has kept us from thinking too much about Toby. I could sense that my wife needed to be kept busy especially, and playing the game has done exactly that. We let our foster parents know how thankful we are for their present.
- Keeping busy and keeping to our schedule
Since Toby’s passing, we stuck to our usual schedule, trying not to deviate too much from it. We still do our walks in the morning, as if we’re taking Toby out to go potty as soon as he’d wake up, and we still do our own thing (writing, painting, listening to music, watching videos).
In April (our trip to the Adirondacks), we went on hikes and walks to enjoy nature, as if Toby was still with us. We’d go exploring towns like Lake Placid and Saranac Lake, just like when Toby was around.
We obviously think of what it would be like if Toby was still with us exploring and hiking these places, but we are still enjoying these wonderful places just like we used to.
- Visiting more museums and enjoying culture
Since his passing, we’ve been visiting more museums and doing more cultural activities. During the month of April for example, we visited the Hyde Collection (art museum) and the Plattsburgh Art Museum.
We also caught a classical piano recital at the Hyde Collection. It was just wonderful to be able to reconnect with what we always loved when growing up. I wasn’t much of an art connoisseur, but thanks to my wife, I’m learning to appreciate it more.
I’ve always loved the power that music has over us, and to me, music is something I can’t do without. Life without music might as well be no life at all…
Being more culturally active wasn’t something we did much of when we had Toby. We always felt bad when leaving him, with him giving us those soulful puppy brown eyes, asking us to take him with us…
These days, we’re enjoying things like going to art museums or watching classical music concerts, trying our best to continue living our lives as best we can.
- Eating out at restaurants more
When we had Toby, we usually did takeout, to eat at home. This way we can spend more time with him, and honestly, we felt kind of bad, to leave him at home all alone. As he aged, he would seek our attention and our affection more. It showed a side of him that wasn’t apparent when he was younger, when he would be perfectly happy to be hanging out by himself.
We realized he would go to his mommy more often to get that tender, motherly love. He wanted to be held more and caressed more, as he got older and older. We felt we were doing the right thing to stay with him as much as we possibly can, especially since our early retirement in August 2020.
Looking back, it was certainly a gift that we retired early, so we can spend that time together as a pack…
Since Toby’s passing, we can take our time enjoying our meals at restaurants, without that nagging feeling tugging at us, wondering if he’s ok.
In conclusion:
Toby has had such a huge impact in our lives for all those years we stayed together. He provided so much laughter, joy, camaraderie, companionship, and love that we really enjoyed.
The day that we said our final goodbyes to Toby was one of the toughest days of our lives. It still brings back raw emotions when we think back to that day, as well as those few days leading up to his last day with us.
We know for a fact that we will always appreciate Toby, and our precious time we spent together as a pack. We still think about him each and every day, at times laughing about his quirky moves, or at times reminiscing about the times he made us so happy…
As difficult as losing him has been, we also realize that we need to move on, and to live our lives fully. To that end, we are still doing the same things we would’ve done as if Toby was still alive, but we are also doing new things, like eating out more and doing cultural activities.
As each day goes by, it is getting easier to live without him. We sincerely think he would’ve wanted us to enjoy our lives together, still as a tight knit pack, loving each other and having good times together…
I will continue to write bits and pieces about Toby going forward. This is my way of thanking him and remembering him, but it is also a way for us to cope with his loss…
Thank you all for reading.
Jake
Wandering Money Pig
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